Live On

Live On

Turning Grief InTo Gratitude

Today I watched the slideshows of you in happy times that I created this time last year. Just as they did then, they bring me joy not the sadness of loss. Because you deserved happiness, and I love to be reminded that you lived a happy life. And that I was an integral part of that happy life that you lived.

Today is the day that eleven years ago we committed our lives to one another until death do us part. We fulfilled that commitment. I had thought that it would be so much longer than ten years; never did I foresee your death so soon. I realize now that that was an expectation I had had.

I had expected we grow relatively old together, because I just knew intuitively that we would never leave one another. My intuition was right in that we would never leave one another by choice.

I remember your saying to me in the hospital, the day before the last day you’d ever speak to me, “I don’t want to die yet, honey… When I get out of here, let’s quit our jobs and do the taco truck we’ve been talking about doing!” Your death crushed every dream I had, because they all involved “us”. I literally have not had a dream during sleep since. Nightmares at first, but now just silence.

The nightmares and my suffering were tied to my attachment to that expectation of us living long lives together. I realize that now, and it has helped me become unattached to the little I had unknowingly remained attached to. It helped me to get in touch with my biggest fear, that of losing those whom I love.

It’s a fear that has become reality in the most intimate way, considering our love was the most intimate I’d ever experienced. Because of this, I now fear death not in the least. And rather than fear the loss of those I love, I’ve replaced that fear with acceptance and gratitude. I am so very grateful that I had a place in your happy life, and that you blessed my life beyond any expectation I had of reality.

The competing measures of quantity versus quality come up quite a bit in life. I’ve always valued quality over quantity. So where time fell short of the expectation that I should have never had, the quality of our relationship was something heavenly, exceeding what I thought possible in this “cruel world”.

I am eternally grateful for the joy we shared together, and each moment truly continues eternally through my grateful remembrance. That is why I chose to honor our anniversary today by remembering the good times we shared together. Remembering how we grew together, I am grateful to have your impression upon me forever. You are always with me, just as you said in your note to me. Some would say this was a “goodbye note”, but I say it was a “live on note”.

I am so very grateful that you considered the possible reality of your not making it out of the hospital alive, because at the time I didn’t/ wouldn’t accept that. I have fully accepted it now, as well as, the agreement I must keep to “live on” and fulfill my destiny which is not quite over yet.

I will share a little bit of us with the world, an excerpt from your “live on note” to me, the piece I have tattooed on my arm. “Please live each day to the max. Spread your love. Keep me in your heart. I’ll always be with you.”

~Forever in your heart, and you forever in mine. Forever thank you, Mrs. D, aka P. Dawg (Slideshows mentioned in story: http://joeydomzalski.com/2017/01/29/the-adventures-of-joey-d/)