Live On

Live On

Turning Grief InTo Gratitude

Today I watched the slideshows of you in happy times that I created this time last year. Just as they did then, they bring me joy not the sadness of loss. Because you deserved happiness, and I love to be reminded that you lived a happy life. And that I was an integral part of that happy life that you lived.

Today is the day that eleven years ago we committed our lives to one another until death do us part. We fulfilled that commitment. I had thought that it would be so much longer than ten years; never did I foresee your death so soon. I realize now that that was an expectation I had had.

I had expected we grow relatively old together, because I just knew intuitively that we would never leave one another. My intuition was right in that we would never leave one another by choice.

I remember your saying to me in the hospital, the day before the last day you’d ever speak to me, “I don’t want to die yet, honey… When I get out of here, let’s quit our jobs and do the taco truck we’ve been talking about doing!” Your death crushed every dream I had, because they all involved “us”. I literally have not had a dream during sleep since. Nightmares at first, but now just silence.

The nightmares and my suffering were tied to my attachment to that expectation of us living long lives together. I realize that now, and it has helped me become unattached to the little I had unknowingly remained attached to. It helped me to get in touch with my biggest fear, that of losing those whom I love.

It’s a fear that has become reality in the most intimate way, considering our love was the most intimate I’d ever experienced. Because of this, I now fear death not in the least. And rather than fear the loss of those I love, I’ve replaced that fear with acceptance and gratitude. I am so very grateful that I had a place in your happy life, and that you blessed my life beyond any expectation I had of reality.

The competing measures of quantity versus quality come up quite a bit in life. I’ve always valued quality over quantity. So where time fell short of the expectation that I should have never had, the quality of our relationship was something heavenly, exceeding what I thought possible in this “cruel world”.

I am eternally grateful for the joy we shared together, and each moment truly continues eternally through my grateful remembrance. That is why I chose to honor our anniversary today by remembering the good times we shared together. Remembering how we grew together, I am grateful to have your impression upon me forever. You are always with me, just as you said in your note to me. Some would say this was a “goodbye note”, but I say it was a “live on note”.

I am so very grateful that you considered the possible reality of your not making it out of the hospital alive, because at the time I didn’t/ wouldn’t accept that. I have fully accepted it now, as well as, the agreement I must keep to “live on” and fulfill my destiny which is not quite over yet.

I will share a little bit of us with the world, an excerpt from your “live on note” to me, the piece I have tattooed on my arm. “Please live each day to the max. Spread your love. Keep me in your heart. I’ll always be with you.”

~Forever in your heart, and you forever in mine. Forever thank you, Mrs. D, aka P. Dawg (Slideshows mentioned in story: http://joeydomzalski.com/2017/01/29/the-adventures-of-joey-d/)

The Blissful Book is Open

In honorable memory of my transformed husband who left the physical realm a little less than a year and a half ago now, who wished me to spread my love, this is testament to my pure love for myself and to my growth that has led my journey through grief back to my bliss. Bliss would not exist without loss and grief. Spiritual awakening and the experience of feeling would not exist without experience. My experiences... to which I am forever grateful! They made me... this blissful open book, excerpt below tis my modus operendum:)

I don’t need anyone for anything. I’m very resilient and constantly growing in character, love and gratefulness. I hate to be felt sorry for because I am grateful for the traumas and predicaments I face in life as they are what make me into a new enriched version of me. 

When I reach out to someone for assistance, it is because I am seeking to learn. I constantly seek to learn new ways of being. I enjoy trying new ways of being when those I trust and respect have vetted such to a perceived beneficial outcome. I truly believe we all fall short of whole and are different such that we can connect in such a way to grow one another. So by this, I do not mean I change myself for others. I am always true to myself, and I know myself to be quite a chameleon at times. I have such a creative nature and interest and passion in such a variety of the spices of life, that I enjoy walking alongside another in their journey. I know that to be my journey. I’ve always been a relationship focused gal.

While I do not need a mate to complete my life or happiness, I would very much like a man who proudly and adequately wears the title of my best friend, whom I can share any word, expression, touch etc with in an accepting non-judgmental space, who loves and appreciates my being me and reciprocating these same ways with them. Someone who like me is not afraid to dive into an intimate connection based in truth and divine love, and someone who is as dedicated to personal growth as I am, who encourages mine passively and appreciates my doing the same for them.

I did have this, so I know it exists. I also know it didn’t happen overnight, and that as fallible human beings our journey together to the highlands is rocky at times.. but the dedicated never give up. You meet where you both are and grow together from there. 

That being said, sometimes our inner compass gives us different directions, and we must follow those in order to fulfill our destinies. There are surely intimate relationships that are meant to change in ways that create distance, and when we know that to be so we must flow with it by letting go. 

Love does not possess, but it is purely loyal. Intimate connections never become less intimate even when miles or death separate physically. A lizard is no less a lizard after shedding its physical skin. So it is with pure love. 

Those that are agreeable to such do also have compassion on the human condition and it’s necessity to grieve physical loss and understand the loss just like the love never goes away. And each grieving person is on their journey of healing that never ends.

The lizard has infinite layers of skin to shed and grow. Love has infinite layers; it’s not limited to one object or person of affection. The lizard at this point in time may be adorning a bronze skin but the green one he shed yesterday never ceases to be his skin too. Some lizards are meant to only shed one skin a lifetime, and some shed countless. And each lizards’ skins, whether below skin deep in the unconscious where time doesn’t exist and thus the “future” is now, or whether the skin the world now sees, or whether a skin that was shed in the past, they are always all one and the same LOVE that is the lizard. 

Because I know that which is possible and that the sky that is outer space has no limits and an uncountable number of stars, I will not settle for anything less than agreeable for I choose to be agreeable to my destiny as it is unfolded for me by the highest one. 

Some say they feel insignificant when staring out at the night sky that is so vast. But I feel quite the opposite. The moon is there to shine light in my darkest of times; I am never alone. And while there are countless stars, each one does its part to give light to the endless sky, each star is brilliantly beautiful. 

One star's place is positioned such that other stars are near or far to it personally, but they are all still brilliantly beautiful and equally important in their space. Whichever star is closest to me, we are blessed to connect so closely. And those farther away are still blessed in their space where they have other stars close to them as well. We hold our own spaces, and in this life we are not given the capability to connect closely to all people in our lifetimes. 

Their are countless stars, and we are meant to interact closely with certain ones only, given our divine space in the sky. I follow God's placement for me and enter that space, and I welcome all who come in contact with that and so me, whether it be for a time or a season or a lifetime, I am grateful:)   

--- The Lizard Queen (I am. And I can. I can do anything;)