While I’m barely over forty which could be just a half-life,
I feel like I’ve had the time of my life. I’ve experienced much out of life
that was beyond my expectations but also a great deal of loss. My maternal
grandmother passed on when I was twelve, and I lost my other grandparents
before my mid-twenties. I’ve lost friends and pets. I lost some of myself
during a five-year marriage to a then suicidal addict and suffered from PTSD throughout
my twenties, including many years following the divorce. I also gained some of
myself then too. I lost over a year of my health to Lyme disease. My husband
and soulmate, Joey, passed on from cancer, but we had almost fourteen amazing
years together. Just a year and half after my husband’s passing, my dog, Rocky,
passed on from cancer, but he lived a great long dog-life. I am inspired to
write this now, just a week after his passing, because I have a message to
share with you, one of hope despite all my suffering.
I like to imagine Joey is surfing
the perfect waves with his high-school friend, Tony, who also passed on from cancer
just a couple months before him. I like to imagine they surf for as long as
they want without ever getting tired or sunburned. I like to imagine Rocky
eating boneless fried chicken on the beach in the shade, or Joey giving him all
the steak he wants to eat. But no animals must die, because it’s manna that
just tastes like meat. I like to imagine Rocky chasing a countless number of
bunnies, and the bunnies are not scared as there is no pain or death. I believe
in a spiritual place of abundance, where nothing is lacking. I know that my
imagination falls extremely short of what this place could really be like. I
believe that anything conceivable, not just physically but also in thought or
imagination, exists in this infinite spirit-land.
If everything in thought is real in
spirit, does that mean nightmares and negative thoughts too? Nightmarish or
negative thoughts are conceived from fear; the root of all negativity being
fear. When limits are defined within the infinite, such as time which defines
our life experiences, they limit awareness of the infinite in some fashion. It
is limited awareness that creates fear. There is no positive and negative, only
is and is not. And we are part of the IS. Having physical bodies in this life
experience, we are also part temporary illusion, the “is not”, and should
embrace and love all parts of ourselves to fully experience life. Defining
limits allows for the experience of unfolding awareness of the infinite. We
have no way of perceiving infinite universe from the limit of our bodies,
although scientists theorize infinity exists. We are constantly discovering
more. If our eyes could see microwaves or behold the Universe in the absence of
or conjunction of all time, we would perceive that light travels all over the
darkness and fills it. Dualities are how life perceives; however, opposites are
actually one whole in the infinite perspective. I personally perceive light as
positive and believe it fills all negative space even though my human
experience perceives darkness; it’s the unseen we fear and consider negative.
Our life experience is one of unfolding awareness through
duality of experience. We experience sadness to fully appreciate an experience
of joy. I have enjoyed my life so much that I would not hesitate to relive it
over again countless times knowing the impending losses I would have to face as
a part of it. Those that matter to me matter to me so much that I would choose
to endure loss if necessary. My love and gratitude, gifts from the spirit
realm, are as infinite as the place from which they came. I believe we are all
spirits. I personally believe this inevitable, that when we “merge with”,
rather become aware of and have faith in, the unseen infinite, our perspective
becomes such that we are fully aware that limits, fear, suffering and death
were only temporary. And permanence contains all that has ever mattered to us. I
believe we are already connected in spirit, and this spirit is light and love,
and it’s our means of reaching a whole awareness, faith in the unseen.
When I was in one of the darkest moments
of my life, I forgave those who I perceived to have contributed to my state of
suffering, my ex-husband, his drug dealer etc. I genuinely wanted them to be
healed and happy just as much as I wanted that for myself. I felt God spoke to
me, “If you love and want happiness for them, think of how much greater the
love and desire for happiness is that comes from the infinite one.” I was
raised in a Christian family, but like adult Jesus, I do not identify now with
any religions. I do believe in the personal spiritual experience and message
that Jesus taught. Just like the bunnies would allow Rocky to chase them if
there was no fear of pain or death, would we not all forgive and love one
another if we all believed that suffering, pain and death was not possible?
What if we all believed the good news of life eternal, and in that awareness,
suffering, pain and death would vanish?
When I was suffering over the end of my first marriage, I was
staring into a candle flame and thinking “why, God?” I heard God say, “I refine
in fire that which is gold.” I did not hear a voice only an inaudible whisper,
a profound awakening or enlightenment type experience. Fire is necessary to
uncover the gold. Our life experiences are necessary to unfold awareness of who
we are, spirits of love, capable of forgiving one another. It is by this grace
of God, we are all healed.
After Joey’s passing, I chose to read the Book of Job, but I
was disappointed. The scripture said Job was “blessed” with a new wife and children,
because he continued to praise God with gratitude after losing his first wife
and children. After not getting the answer to prayer I longed for, my Christmas
miracle, the idea of God giving me a new husband and life seemed like a cruel
joke. I only wanted my Joey back; I only wanted my pre-loss life back. However,
now a year and a half later, I can say my journey of grief has followed Job’s
in many ways. Job suffered greatly; he was not full of praise and gratitude
immediately following the onset of his grief. Just like it has been for me, Job
road waves that crashed into the depths of suffering, but that also rose to
peaks of praise and gratitude. Without a doubt, I am eternally grateful for the
time that I had with Joey, my grandparents, Rocky etc. I am even grateful to
have met and married my ex-husband. Little moments of joy are invaluable.
This past weekend, I was at a pool party staring up into the
sunshine from a pool float, my teary eyes hidden behind my large cat eye
frames. Rocky, my spirit-animal and best furry friend I have ever had, passed
on the day before, and I was feeling left behind. My soulmate human and furry
baby had both physically exited my life. Despite feeling much gratitude for
their existence and the time I had with them, the feelings of loss, the pains
of suffering, were unavoidable. As a yoga instructor, my favorite sutras are
the ones that address suffering. The first says that suffering is an inevitable
part of life in a body. As I mentioned earlier, limits cause suffering. Physical
bodies and time, key constructs of living, are designed to impose limitations
on the infinite. Temporary ones that is. The following sutra goes on to say
that future suffering is avoidable. We have a choice in every moment to not
dwell and to not suffer. But at this sunny moment, I was feeling sadness and
loss. I cried silently to God, “why, God? Why must anyone ever have to suffer?
Jesus’ mission was to conquer death and suffering with love, and he would not
want anyone to suffer. You can’t possibly WANT anyone to suffer if little old
me doesn’t want anyone to suffer?”
So now we get to the good stuff, the hopeful message that I
must share with you. I heard the inaudible whisper answer me and turn all my
tears into a warm puddle of joy. The truth is that no one ever has to suffer
again. We choose our beliefs, and it does have to do with faith. While my
Christian upbringing taught me that non-Christians would be condemned to hell,
that is not my personal faith. I believe faith is a personal thing, spirituality
is personal. I do not believe that my personal Jesus or God, Great Spirit of
Love, I am (Eternal Everything) even has a name. Jesus supposedly said, “I am
who you say I am.” There is that “I am” again. Maybe the infinite one just
comprises every creature’s personal belief of who that is. Maybe then, there
are many names, and maybe names do not really matter at all. Maybe all that
matters are all that matters to each and every one of us… love. I mean true
all-encompassing love. The love that will suffer and die over again countless
times if that were necessary to save those that love loves. And love is
infinite, so it loves absolutely everything. If I want absolutely everyone and
everything to be healed and happy, if my love is that great, just think how
much greater infinite love is.
When Joey was in the hospital, two different messages came to
me in the mail. The first was a Reader’s Digest with a cover that read “Real
Life Miracles”. A couple days later when I was living at the hospital myself, the
same magazine appeared in the waiting room. I thought it a sign that I was
going to get my Christmas miracle, Joey’s healing. A friend later told me that
the night before Joey passed away, he appeared in her dreams. He was standing
over me, and he was desperately trying to communicate to me that where he was
going was amazing. He wanted me to be happy for him and to know it would not be
long until I too was there. A Christian friend later called to tell me that she
felt God spoke to her concerning why Joey had not been healed the way that we
had desired when praying for him. She explained that God wanted me to know that
he was healed, and he lives also.
The second message was waiting for me in the mail the day I
got home after Joey’s passing. It was my driver’s license that I had left in
Chicago some place. A year and half prior, Joey and I had gone to Chicago on
July 4th for the “Fare Thee Well” Grateful Dead concert. It reminded
me of a spiritual experience I had while I was there. Being raised a Southern
Baptist, I was not only taught that non-Christians go to hell but also that
secular music is from the devil. My teen years were blessed with fun times that
included lots of jamming out to Grateful Dead tunes and other secular music
from punk rock to grunge alternative. The music definitely contributed to my
having the times of my life. Music is an honest witness of life, raw human
emotions, and it is beautiful, all of it. I will never forget a video the
Southern Baptists had me watch as a child concerning secular music. It said the
Grateful Dead was satanic, and that the lightning bolt and skull in their logo
was proof of that. The lightning represented the bolt that sent Satan down to
earth. And the skull represented the death that he brought with him. While this
is a clever interpretation, it is conceived in fear. I believe fear is an
illusion as is this ridiculous interpretation of some of the most positive
music lyrically that I have ever listened to! It is fear that divides us,
diseases us, pains us.
At the concert in Chicago, I looked around at all of these
beautiful colorful people adorning tie-dye and brighter smiles, and my heart
beamed with love for all of them. I felt that my personal God must love them
even more, must love them enough to find a way to save absolutely every single
one of them. If it is required that we believe Jesus was a real “person” or
“God” or if any particular name of God is required, I believe that will be
fully revealed to our spiritual “sight” when we pass on to the realm where our
sight is no longer limited. I read a story once of a heroin addict who says
that he experienced a near death where Jesus met him in the light at the end of
the tunnel. He met him to show himself to him. Seeing is believing! Where we
lack faith while blind, I believe we will all have a chance to fully see again.
The hopeful message of good news is that we are all saved, and suffering is
only an illusion we create from our fears. It is our fears that limits our
faith in this, and it is our fears that divide us. Love unites; love connects
us all.
I have faith, most of the time. I know I can choose not to
suffer and that it’s just an illusion anyways, as is time and my loss of those
I love. Because I know I will “see” them again very soon. So why do I still
suffer at times? Again, the inaudible whisper answered me saying, “You chose
to.” And I remembered specifically that I did ask for the life I have been
given. I imagine that I asked for it even before I was born. But that I do not
remember. I do remember as a teen praying to God. I was overwhelmed by the
sadness of those I loved at the time. A boyfriend who watched his sister get
murdered in his front yard. A best friend who was neglected by her parents.
Friends who had not had as much love in their childhood lives; friends who had
experienced traumas and loss when young. I remember full well asking that if my
non-Christian friends would all be left behind in the end times if I could be
left behind with them. I asked to be given experiences that made me relatable
to them, so I could reach them and be of service in saving them all. Perhaps I
am just embarking on the time of my life, as many say that giving is more
rewarding than receiving. It is my calling to share my experiences and my
beliefs to inspire healing in others. But do not believe anything I say.
Beliefs are meant to be as personal as each of our uniquely personal life
experiences. Search inside yourself.
