Good Grief

Good Grief

I've got a heart condition...
my heart feels heavy tho its light-hearted and likes fun
my heart feels empty tho its so very full and overfloweth
an unbeatable beating contradiction

Tonight I went to my “happy place” during meditation, and boy do the tears flow from there like an endless river. I don’t visit that river quite as often as I did last year because frankly my eyes can’t take much more crying. My happy place is my heaven for which I am so grateful that the word grateful doesn’t begin to describe the joy I feel and appreciation I have for having experienced glimpses of heaven on earth in my lifetime. When I visit my happy places (there are more than one, so a multitude of gratitude;) I am struck by the most heart felt mix of emotions beyond what I can describe here or in this poem below. The nostalgic heartbreaking loss that pains me while the warm river of tears comforts me as it fills my emptiness with joy. Calling them tears of joy doesn’t do the depth and polarity of heart motion that takes place justice. “Oooh heaven is a place on earth”... temporary earth... but despite being subject to temporary nature at this time, I know in the depths of my spiritual being that my happy places, my heaven, is eternal. I can, just by closing my eyes and going inward, vividly remember every temporary detail I desire to remember about some one or some place I love... the smell of their skin or fur, the temperature of their touch, the glistening love in their eyes that their souls peaked at me out of, and I can feel them spiritually with me in the here in now, feel their presence invoked by doing this. 

In my happy place I can feel whatever nature experience I want to recreate or create anew by rearranging time such that all my favorite sensations collide, the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun on my own skin on a beautiful mild summer day, the sound of the ocean waves or of trees rustling, specific ones I’ve visited many times in my past, etc I could go on forever with describing my heaven. And what’s even more heart screaming that I must share with you all now?! My heaven is still being revealed to me, each and every day as I comprehend new beautiful experiences, it grows and grows... at least that is how my currently temporary nature perceives it, as growth; yet, my spiritual nature knows it’s just awareness, awareness that heaven is a place on earth and an infinite spiritual ever-present experience.